Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
