Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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