He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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