i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
