If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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