NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
