she woke up with a sticky ear
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize