It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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