i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
