You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
