So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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