I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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