Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
