More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
