There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
