Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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