eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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