cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
