so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
