He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
