She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My balls are so social today.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
