So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
there is puke in my bra ... again
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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