I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
