just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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