My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
