so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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