we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
