Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
