I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
