i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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