Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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