things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
