Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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