I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
