I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
