i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
