my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize