You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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