He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
