I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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