meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
