Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
