Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
