this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
