We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
