Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
