this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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