So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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