barbara walters just said penis...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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