I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Randomize
