What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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