Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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