my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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