if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
