I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
