I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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