It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
